Fighting Geese
The author obviously does not condone cruelty toward animals, or attacking barnyard animals, but the Internet is a weird place.
I’ve been using the Internet since 1994 (this is true), and, even on Netscape Navigator, one thing has been true throughout the decades: there’s very little room for nuance and complexity on the Internet. It’s mostly a binary, “Picard or Kirk,” “chocolate or vanilla” place, and that’s started corroding the public discourse; most-obviously in The Donald’s odious “Build a Wall” or “Nuke Iran” policies that had no room for, “Maybe we should overhaul DACA, and use that as a foundational framework for how to handle people who really can’t safely be in their countries of origin, whilst imposing harsher penalties for illegal immigration as a deterrent” (not that I’m informed enough to endorse that position, but it’s more-nuanced than, “Caravans of refugees are coming here from Atlantis, and a magic wall will stop them all, if we ignore how good humans, historically, are at overcoming basic geography and even better at knocking down walls”). I’m even old enough to remember the development of that classic philosophical conundrum, “Would you rather fight a horse-sized duck, or a horse’s-weight’s-worth of ducks” (the correct answer is, of course, “Where would you find a massive duck? That seems like a 1930s pulp novel”).
So, this week, when the Mary Sue posted an article about people willing to fight geese (https://www.themarysue.com/geese-will-destroy-you/), I posted it, and played the waiting game. I was absolutely stunned at the calls for context and/or nuances involved in goose combat. Fair enough, I guess; if the scenario is that I walk into my house and see my dog being attacked by a goose (everyone who’s met Fib is probably nodding and saying, “Yeah, I can picture that”), it’s obviously game on. If I have a shotgun in that situation, it is definitely over for that goose (unless I can’t get a shot at it, because I’m not shooting a dog). I was struck at how we can, collectively, go from “Kill the Palestinians/Jews” in the ongoing Israeli ethnic cleansing, but we will demand more knowledge before taking on a goose.
Okay. I designed and wrote the definitive goose fighting hypothetical, to rank with the Prisoner’s Dilemma, or the Trolley Problem in Great Thought Experiments. Ready?
You pull into your driveway with a car full of groceries. Between you and the front door are some clearly-agitated geese (I posited two geese, but you choose whatever number you feel comfortable with). Waiting for you at home are two small children, waiting to go to football practice. You have a half-hour to move the groceries to your kitchen and the kids to your car, whatever resources you have at home or in your car are yours to deal with the geese; if you can cross-maneuver the geese, kids, and groceries to their proper places in that half-hour, by whatever means you feel appropriate in the time-limit, you win this round against the geese. I feel certain some of my LDS friends are reading this and thinking, “Are you kidding me? After living with three teenagers in the house at the same time, feral animals are a walk in the park.” And, if you wish to chime in with your goose-related thoughts, our lines are open.
Based on the literally halves of dozens of responses, I feel safe in saying that we, as a species, have some very deep-seated views on fighting geese. If anyone has any connections to the television industry, I would absolutely be willing to pitch a reality television show called “Goose Fight.” I have no idea what that would entail, but I feel that there is a vast, untapped amount of goose sentiment that is not being adequately addressed.
The weirdest response had to be a South African woman who lives with her father and said he could handle this one. Look, I have a complicated relationship with my parents, but I would be hesitant to say, “I volunteer Mom as tribute in the fight against feral animals!”
A close contender for weirdest response had to be a Parisian man who implied that Parisian Geese are nicer/more-docile than other geese. Which might be the most-Parisian boast of all time. He later changed his answer when I made the executive decision that goose-kicking was fine, as well as the thickness of his jeans (“I gotta go find my duck-fighting trousers” is definitely not the response I expected). The sanest-response was to go get bird seed, and use that as a distraction, which is probably the safest option.
TLDR: We are a divided, fractious species, but if you ever do feel like we’re distracted, unfocused, or apathetic, go to a public space and shout, “Who’s ready to fight some geese?!”
