Post White House Employment Opportunities

An update on America’s bizarre near-transition for all of my friends watching from afar

Occasionally, on life’s journey, one encounters these freaks that simply can not bear the thought of being out of the spotlight (to paraphrase Wodehouse). We’ve all encountered them, usually at the larval stage of development — the tattle-tale, the show-off, the braggart, the bully — there’s always someone out there who demands your constant, full attention at all times. Then, most of us go on to higher education or start careers, and learn that when grown-ups pay close attention to you, it’s not a good thing; it usually comes with lectures, demotions, and penalties. Quick show of hands, who reading this piece has ever seen a squad car behind them and felt, “Oh, good?” Not very many, I’d imagine. The inevitable signifier of maturity and a mental transition to adulthood is that most of us start putting qualifiers and conditions on the sort of attention we like. We all want our lovers to gaze at us as we enter the room. Very few of us like the entire party to grind to a halt and everyone present and stare at us as we walk through the door.

I could be wrong, of course — I am about many, many things. But, what’s becoming clearer by the day is that the current occupant of the White House doesn’t actually like being President — he just loves the constant attention that comes with it. I mean, who wouldn’t want to go straight to the head of the line when calling in to Fox and Friends? Admittedly, no sane person, but Donald is not conventionally sane. And, for all of his supporters who think he has some contorted, convoluted scheme to stay in power, I feel fairly safe in saying that any effective attempts to thwart the convoluted, bureaucratic electoral process would require giving up time spent golfing. Of course, I could be wrong; it’s possible Stalin and Noriega spent weekends on the links right up to their final days. Of course, in those examples, they had a military willing to wade in and commit some light genocide on their behalf, something America’s apolitical military seems aghast about. BUT, Donald does seem to enjoy the crowds of people lined up to see him driven in and out of his golf courses. One wonders how many dictatorial regimes might’ve been strangled in the crib if only the leaders had a trust fund and an entourage. Would Mohammed Reza Shah passed on ruling Iran if he’d owned a successful nightclub and had frequent invitations to fashion galas in Milan?

Forgive my counterfactuals, what I’m getting at is, I think I’ve come upon a solution to Donald’s constant insubordination and refusal to cooperate with the Biden transition team. I realize the halcyon days of 2015/2016 happened 900 years ago in Trump Time, but, let’s not forget what started this whole thing. They say that Donald got angry that he was not the highest-paid TV host on NBC, and that jealousy poisoned his renegotiations with NBC. As a negotiating tactic, Donald attempted to raise his media profile by announcing his candidacy. At this point, they say, NBC realized that the president was not a team player or good-faith negotiator, and cut the cord. Which forced Donald to actually run for President, doing the only thing he knew how to do: generate publicity. And he was so successful at that, he somehow wound up in the White House. To all my Canadian, EU, Australian, etc. friends, I have no idea how it went from “publicity stunt/performance art” to “presidency,” I suspect most Americans are still confused as to how that happened, but I suspect the baggage of the Clinton Administration played into it. And now we’re trapped with an outgoing administration that doesn’t want to govern or leave the White House. It’s a bizarre form of political purgatory in which the Executive Branch refuses to do its job, refuses to leave, and is refusing to cooperate with the incoming folks (or so they say). I have an idea: Someone at NBC could just pick up the phone. Okay, maybe Donald is no longer NBC’s particular brand, but I have a solution, if you’ll stick with me.

We need a job for an unqualified nitwit of dubious morality; a man defined by his abrasiveness and casual cruelties, who can casually mock his superiors on prime-time. A man who already has Rupert Murdoch on speed-dial. Folks, it is time to bring back American Idol. Okay, I realize ABC has already revived the series (and possibly canceled it; I honestly pay less attention to professional karaoke than I do to professional foosball)(yes, that’s a thing; I actually saw a documentary on it), but let’s be honest; we’d all watch Trump Idol for a season or two if it got Donald out of the White House. Admittedly, for 52% of Americans, it would be just on the off-chance that we’d see Donald’s inevitable heart attack on camera, but that’s still a viable market, BUT, it would convince Donald to seize upon his recent Twitter admission that he lost the election and get out while the getting’s good, and before winding up more-indebted to legal firms than he already is (and, they say that Trump’s most-recent legal representation suddenly decided not to represent him, presumably after looking at his credit rating). We could all sigh and let the adults in politics get on with the business of governing, Trump could go back to destroying reputable basic-cable networks, and life could continue. Fox, your incessant, insipid coverage of Donald in the primaries gave him this presidency, I’d say it’s your responsibility to get him out via a $10 million 3-year contract.

I don’t have any realistic ideas concerning how to get the Trump Family out of the White House, although most of those involve Jaranka being torn apart by COVID long haulers, so that clearly needs more development. But, once we get Donald to admit he needs to update the CV and look for work or free publicity, I think other things will start falling into place.

Science journalist, cancer survivor, biomedical consultant, the “Wednesday Addams of travel writers.”

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