I will admit that, during 2016, I tuned out most of Beloved Leader’s speeches. As it turns out, this was a tactical error on my part. In my defense, there are only so many ways you can say, “I’m terrified of modernity and all these new crazy young people with their piercings and gender-neutral pronouns!” before you get tired and change the channel. Also, like the vast majority of America, I thought H. Clinton would cinch the general election and we’d get a lousy rerun of 1994.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in life — the hard way — it’s that the minute you feel certain about something, it’s…