Welcome to Your Oedipal Nightmare

So, it was brought to my attention, via the fine folks at the Mary Sue that an online shop called Yandy is selling — I am totally serious here — a “sexy Mr. Rogers” Halloween costume ( https://www.themarysue.com/sexy-mr-rogers-halloween-costume-what/). The next time the GOP wants to shout down Greta Thunberg’s attempts to save our society, they can just point out the fact that society allowed this to exist, and deserves to burn. Because I have a combined sense of curiosity and self-preservation that would probably lead me to set myself on fire just to find out what burning to death would feel like, I did some more research on the company.

Bad call.

This is not the company’s first idiotic needlessly-sexy outfit; they literally came out with a sexy handmaid from The Handmaid’s Tale, even though the entire point of the series is about the disenfranchisement and enslavement of women, and sexualizing the characters is hilariously distasteful ( https://www.cnn.com/2018/09/21/us/handmaids-tale-halloween-costume-trnd/index.html). We’ve reached the Mean Girls event horizon, folks. Naturally, sensing a story of Florida Man proportions, I went directly to the company’s website.

Bad call.

Yandy is an online lingerie shop that just happens to have a disturbingly large “sexy Halloween” costume section. I consider myself mostly body positive and sex positive, and wouldn’t be terribly offended if a nudist colony opened nearby (I wouldn’t be terribly inclined to visit, but, whatever works for you)(BTW, for a delightfully bizarre account of one man’s descent from “cringing Hollywood writer” to “had to be reminded to put on clothes before leaving the clothing-optional resort,” I’d highly recommend Alan Zweibel’s Nudity is a State of Mind). But I digress, and my point is, in many cases, outright nudity would probably be less offensive than some of their “sexy” costumes which range from vaguely terrifying (Who would want to dress as a sexy nun? That seems like a red flag), to “open copyright infringement” (“Oasis Princess” is pretty much just Jasmine from Aladdin, without Disney’s permission)(likewise, “Galaxy Slave for You” is just a Slave Leia costume without ILM’s annoying licensing fee). But there are so very many options (1050, according to the website). Some of the more-comment-worthy ones include (I will not include any photos, if you’re really curious, you should see a therapist and/or just go to their website):

1. Sexy Lady Costume — They get points for marketing what pretty much any attractive woman could achieve with stiletto heels and a miniskirt, but lose points for aggressive tragedy of the commons. I get that this is probably meant to be a Lady Gaga costume without her permission, but, if you wanted to do that, you could almost certainly assemble a better, more-creative version than this. Hell, just drape yourself in flank steaks.
2. Sexy Mystical Mummy Costume — Really? Necrophilia? There’s a large part of me that’s horrified at this concept, but another part that’s fascinated at the mindset that would see an actual mummy and say, “You know, with a miniskirt…”
3. Sexy Lion Costume — There’s definitely an “I’m a mouse, duh” vibe about this website, and there are plenty of costumes that are just that — lingerie and animal ears. This one, however, puts in a little effort to make a woman look leonine, which is almost more disturbing than the former. In a sentence I never wanted to write; if you are sexually attracted to animals, you should probably see a therapist and never, ever act on that impulse.
4. Spanish Pirate Costume — There a million variations on “sexy pirate” out there, all of which overlook the whole, “rape, pillage, plunder, murder” and “17th century old timey disease” aspects of piracy, so I get that they have to make a distinction between this sexy pirate costume, the “sexy swashbuckler” costume, and the “deluxe pirate captain” costumes (yes, these are all products they sell)(I have made so very many bad decisions today fueled by a misplaced sense of curiosity), but why “Spanish?” Were Spaniards more inclined to piracy than any other European colonial power? Is it a reference to the “Spanish Main.” where most of the golden age of piracy (yes, that’s a thing) occurred? Is it some weird exotic appeal to women of a slightly darker-than-lily-white skin tone? What?
5. Sexy Northern Queen Costume — This is obviously an attempt at a sexy Game of Thrones costume, which makes you wonder at the mind that could watch a hyper-sexualized series and say, “That could be sexier.” I keep coming to the unbidden conclusion that Zapp Brannigan is real, and he owns this company. I also bring this costume up, in particular, because any woman in it would freeze to death in temperatures of less than 60 degrees (Fahrenheit). I’m not sure that nudity wouldn’t be a more effective way to deal with the cold lands beyond The Wall.
6. Violent Warfare Ninja Costume — Like the Spanish pirate, my quibble here is with the adjectives involved (the costume itself is pretty much just a generic, sexy-vaguely-Asian costume)(perfect for the white woman whose primary contact with Asian people or culture is through Panda Express). If you see the words “violent” and “warfare” in the same sentence and also feel the need to somehow add the concept of “sexy” into it, please seek help.
7. Naughty Napping Princess Costume — It’s just a flagrant rip-off of Sleeping Beauty, but it does make me wonder if there’s something innately sexy about napping. Guys, basic consent issue — if a woman is sleeping, leave her alone. If she’s taking a nap, chances are, she’s exhausted and has specifically set aside time to sleep so she will not faint or die or fall asleep at the wheel, or any of the other bad side-effects associated with sleep deprivation. Leave her alone.
8. Cruel Diva Costume — It’s pretty much just a weirdly sexualized Cruella DeVille costume, which really makes me wonder who watched 101 Dalmatians, saw the crazy, puppy-murdering villain and thought, “You know…” (this is really just further evidence for my hypothesis that Z. Brannigan is real and owns this company).
9. DEA Agent Costume — I get the “sexy cop” thing, I really do. It’s the weird specificity of this one that gets me. I can not imagine a porno opening with the line, “We’ve received reports of narcotics on the premises.” I know that Narcos brought the drug industry into the collective pop cultural conscience, but I also have to wonder at the mind-set that watches that series — which is pretty much just nonstop murder, mayhem, and Group W Bench-type stuff — and says, “You know…”
10. Creationary Woman Costume — It’s just Eve from the Bible. It’s Eve. Why not just say, “Eve” or “Sexy Eve?” I am quite certain that the Bible is not protected by copyright law, and the type of people who’d be offended at the idea of sexy cultural appropriation are almost certainly not going to ever come into contact with this website or costume. Unless the owners are afraid of God smiting them, but that just opens up more questions about the horrific nature of the Great Old Ones who own this wretched company.

So, that’s just ten riffs on ten extraordinarily stupid costumes. It could’ve easily been 100 or 1000 (or the full 1050), but there are only so many hours in the day, and I have far better things to do, like stab myself in the thigh or experiment with heroin.